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You see the subject! I want to start off by saying...I KNOW MY DAD AND HAVE AN AWESOME RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM! This blog is about an event that touched me. Its about my brothers that choose to leave their children behind and how those children are affected. Lets get into it...
This is the event that got me. Yesterday, I had to pay the T-Mobile store a visit in The Plaza. Waste of a visit but the visit setup this moment. As I left the mall a mother and her son approached. Behind them was the mother's friend and her two children (one being held by the mother and the other was walking and holding moms hand). So as the first mom approached I held the door for them to enter the mall. As they walked pass the boy asked "Excuse me, are you my daddy?". I had no response. But mom had a lot to say. She snapped "You don't fucking ask a stranger that shit! What the fuck is your problem boy?". The boy responds "Well if he isn't my daddy then Gregg must be my daddy". The friend asks "Does he always do that". Mom responds "Yes he does that embarrassing shit. His daddy ain't shit! But that don't give him reason to ask random men that bullshit". She continued to snap but she was out of my range to hear the conversation.
I am lucky to have a father. Not a daddy...sperm donor...or every now and then birthday and Christmas visitor. I have a FATHER! My father raised me to be a man and more. My father is my only father figure. My father is a lot of my friends father figure. I had an awesome family upbringing. I will live the exact same setup when the time comes to be a father and husband to some people. But out of maybe 5 to 11 people that I call friends, only two had their biological dads in their lives. Ridiculous! The reasons for their absence varies. Some are consistent criminals, drug addicts, detached from reality, started new families and more. I can't judge a situation I have never been in but I can offer an opinion. I don't think any man has an excuse for not being in their child's life. My cousin and a cat I am connected to had kids with bussas (hoes) but they are in their child's lives. They are model fathers, regardless of their situations with the mothers or their disappointment in conceiving a child with those women. Drug addicts...hey my grandfather is a drug addict. But he is the smartest, functional and loyal drug addict ever. And he was there for my mother and my three aunts (one of my aunts is not even his child and one of my other aunts is from another woman). He is a father. To this day, he is still doing what he can for them all. And he let everyone know he does drugs and has sex with lots of women. But he is there. Only excuse is death. And if you were in your child's life long enough death is not an excuse. One of my ex-girlfriends lost her father two days before her 21st bday. Another one of my ex-girlfriends lost her father on her 17th bday. Both always gave me the "my dad always said" statements and stories. If you were the father every man should be, ever word and lesson will be carried beyond the grave. My other grandfather passed in '94. I remember seeing him in the hospital. My dad always passes me the same lessons his father taught him. Damn near everytime I did or do something wrong he starts off his scolding with "You know, my dad...". LMAO! Its crazy how it seems like me and my dad made a lot of the same mistakes. In the words of my mentor, "You are your father's child".
Anyway, I have another story to tell. This is just about how ignorant some of you brothers are. When I attended NIU, I stayed on the floor with three cool sisters. We will name one of them Ugly. Ugly was a lame. As freshman, the first couple months you are open to hang with almost anyone just to filter out the people you want to get cool with. So Ugly was attempting to tell us a little about herself and mentioned she was raised by her mom. She was an only child. She told the story of the last time she saw her dad when she was 6. She said when her dad met her he said "This can't be my kid. She is ugly". Last words she has heard from her dad. #1 who the fuck tells people stories like that? That would stay in the "Hurt my feelings" chest forever. #2 how ignorant and out of order was that guy?! Shows up out of nowhere to be an asshole to his child. But the stamp he left on her was obvious. She was really insecure about her looks and (according to the young man she dated) was in need of attention and compliments 24/7. Like she verbally requested these things. Crazy! Brothers, we are the missing piece in a weak, violent, media driven, in-the-box thinking generation. I know some mothers that made up for lack of a father figure in their child's life by being strong women, marrying or dating another man, keeping uncle or grandpa involved etc. And the products of those situations came out fine sometimes. But if their biological father's were positively in their lives, they would be personally and emotionally more secure and ready for life.
Men are fathers and boys are daddys. I can't wait to raise my child. Preferably with their mother but if I have to do it solo...so be it! My three best friends on this planet are all products of a single mom household. And in every one of them I see the impacts. Insecurity issues, the constant want and need for a father figure, dependency issues and more. Its not right...to at least come from lack of a father. I'm not naive enough to just blame those effects completely on lack of a father. But at times, its obvious that's where they originated. To my brothers that read this blog...lets raise a strong generation. Having the village for backup is fine but no one can raise a child like the mother and father of that child. Lets be fathers!
It hurts my heart to post this subject.
Courtesy of The Great
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5 comments:
Oh man. That really touched me. Especially because I dind't meet my father until I was 15. You are so very fortunate to have known your dad all of your life, because some of the things I've been through you couldn't even imagine. Ex: He and my grandmother on his side told me, after I'd been living with him for about 3 months, that they didn't think I was his. Then they demanded a DNA test. I was 18 years old and I had to take a DNA test.
I call my father "dad", but to be honest I think of him as like a half brother. He can't be any more than that to me because he only thinks of himself, has no clue what will hurt me, and even now when I need him he leaves me out there. My mother tried to have positive male influences in my life but u know how that turned out. Ultimately it wasn't her job to provide that for me. It was his. And he didn't. And when I found him it pissed me off to know that i had a brother four years younger than me that he'd known since delivery. And now to watch him with his new family...
Okay I'm doing to much cuz I'm getting emotional but from a writer's standpoint this was an excellent post Mr. Johnson. Keep em coming.
^DAMN...
Well, my story is a tad bit different. I was raised by my father as well...but solely by my father. My mother was 'around', but moreso in the capacity of my dad taking me downtown to stay with her for a weekend here and there. Of course, coming up you don't really know what "normal" is like...so whatever it is that you have is your 'normalcy'. My normalcy was having a mother who was so close, yet so far. To my dad's credit, he never bad mouthed her to me or any of that...and as I got grown, I began to realize all of the wrongs that took place in my life. I don't BLAME her, per se, but I don't feel like I really owe her anything past her birthing me. This includes time spent, phone calls, etc. I NEVER call my Mom. Not to mention, only a fool would think that your relationship with your parents doesn't have an effect on your personal and intimate relationships...and I'm no fool.
This shit has RUINED relationships for me, but I never realize until retrospecting on it. I desire a certain amount of attention, and it's not because I'm selfish, but because I'm trying to fill a void left by my mother. And like L said, that shit hurts when your parent doesn't even know certain likes/dislikes/etc.
Enough about that though, this post is the TRUTH!! We gotta get you some more readers fam, fuck the bullshit...lol
I do need to promote. I get a decent amount of visits. No one is talking though. I know two other people that read this blog but they don't comment to make it interesting. Hey, all I can do is keep telling my stories.
This blog is awesome, more posts please!
well, my dear you asked for it & i enjoyed reading this post. i spent my whole life with a father who loves me like your father loves your sister. i am 36 & still have to stay home, watch movies, and crawl up in the big king sized bed w/ my mom & dad when i go home to visit.
it's hard to tell who hurts more from dads being absent, males or females, but the impact is so deep. i think we should have a new public health policy that calls for mandatory vasectomy at birth (kind of like a circumcision+) reversible at age 18 or at the age of full-time employment. that way having a child is equal to getting a driver's license. then brothas (white & latino cats included in that) have to make a real decision about ushering in new life.
i'm not excusing the men, but at some point, WOMEN have to make a decision about the kind of man that they will carelessly sleep with. i had my share of bad brothas & took EXTRA care not to get pregnant by those fools. morning after pill ($10). it's the mom who is stuck trying to raise the children, and sure, it takes two to tango; but we all know that one dancer leads.
sadly, it's the need for love and approval that makes women behave in ways that absolutely make no good sense but have long, deleterous effects on their children and inevitably our community. brothas who are absent fathers don't really feel the impact so they keep trickin' off and populating the planet with their bastard offspring, leaving a wake of social destruction!
not putting the halo on the president too soon, but this is one of those things that i truly hope the "obama" effect will impact. seeing barack love his girls & being active in their lives may challenge brothas to get back in the game in a major way. i really like to hold out that hope for us. the pain that children without fathers experience is so deep, but very few "bastard children" get counseling, therapy, or anything major to help them process the loss, hurt, and heartache b/c they think they're gonna be ok. but the healing process must be purposeful and deliberate in order to be transformative. but we gotta get on it or the cycle will not stop!
sorry to be so late to read & post. i'l try to stay up on the business!
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