Get Your Mind Right

Happy New Year!

Ok, enough with the holiday bullshit! This year I am going to help get people together. I don't mean I am playing cupid...I mean getting their minds right. There are eight things I would like left in '08! (BTW...these items listed are not in a specific order...just leave it all behind). If you are apart of an item mentioned...uh...well...so the fuck what! Let's get straight to it...

1. Mohawks, high-top fades, graphics and parts- Who in the fuck thought this should was pimp?! If you have done any of these thinking it was cool, I'm going to go down the hair list and tell you why you made a plum-dumb-ass fool of yourself. First, mohawks are for Indians (tepees not dots) and white people stuck in the Motley Crue era. What goofy ass black dude thought that nappy as shit in the middle of his head was cool?! The originators had mohawks that would stand 6 inches high. You can't even comb that shit a full inch into the fucking air and you actually think you hot shit when you walk into a room. And to make yourself feel better about your nappy as texture, you put 360 gel in your shit to make it look better. Your goofy ass just look like Little Richard with a mohawk! High-top fades...you honestly think in '09 the eraser on top of your head is going to get you some head from a new chick. Oh and to my dikes, this doesn't make you look more like a male. It makes you look more like a dumbass confused girl. I saw an interview that Christopher "Kid" Reid did and he even said that the high-top fade was the dumbest hair trend ever. This is coming from the man that made it popular. And you thought that you were so cool you could bring it back. Eat a dick! Graphics and parts...if you are over 13 please stop! Its not cool and its not hot. I don't even care if you are rich. I saw Shawn Marion of the Miami Heat with graphics and parts in his hair...stop it! You are grown as hell. And to those that have actual messages carved in your heads...just as a warning...I know shorties in Englewood that use that shit as random targets. Request that bullshit in the chair at your own risk.

2. Internet Love and Sexual Encounters- If any of you have actually found true love on the internet...congratulations. Doesn't exclude you from being FUCKING PATHETIC! Get out the house and drop all expectations and mingle like a damn adult. Everyone has their hit and misses. Some people just arent made for each other. Damn people (I think this really means ladies...fellas don't complain about this shit), its like shopping. You have to go through several racks of clothing, stores, shelves of shoes etc. to find that great full outfit. You are not going to be able to live your life walking around thinking that "Mr./ Mrs. Right" is going to pop up at your door step. This goes to my ladies...stop thinking you are going to find this awesome dude in church. No church dude is fucking awesome. Why do you think you are never attracted to any of them?! As much as you try it just don't work. To my fellas, stop looking for the free hits and take your ass to the club. You gets no kudos or playa points for bagging off the web. Its downright disgusting playa. I frown upon you goofy ass niggas. Go to Boutique or 151, its like stealing candy from a baby trust me. Don't be scared of the "bad" chicks, they go the fastest cause no one talks to them. They think its them when really its cornball dudes like YOU, ruining the game for a ex-playa like myself. Stop driving up the price of the pussy and keep your wallet in your pockets and your mouth running so smoothly, eyes connected as if she is the only chick in the club, and no studdering like you read books for breakfast lunch and dinner. All this to say...get off myspace, craigslist, facebook etc. and find love and casual sex like normal human beings. Fucking weirdos!

3. Tattoes- I know tats are going to keep growing or at least always have a home in business. People just want to put art on their bodies. I can dig it. I have one. Not gone stunt. But for all my MTV Jamz and BET watchers that like the 50 Cent, Lil Wayne, Baby, and Rick Ross "80% or more of my body has been painted on" style of expression...don't forget...they are fucking rappers, rich and have careers. 50 especially has become an actual business man! You are not going to walk into JP Morgan or even Walgreens with a tat on your neck that says "Get Money" and think you are getting a job. I drove up 111th Street a couple days ago. As I passed Home of the Hoagie I saw a kid with tears tatted on both sides of his face. He couldnt have been no older than 19. He barely had facial hair. Now he can only get employment at two places, the street corners or Universal Music. Damn shame! Please stop the madness!

4. Real Talk and Swagger- If you say "real talk" before anything, I automatically think you are fucking lying or its an exaggerated truth. You are a fucking liar. Shut the fuck immediately after it slips out your mouth. You were probably not talking about anything worth listening to any way. Swagger...people...my fans...my family...everyone...swag is like being sexy. You are no longer sexy when you start walking around like "I'm sexy!". So when you post "Swagger Like Us" on your myspace page or taglines like "My Swag is crazy right now", you no longer have swag. You have shit coming out your mouth and brain. As a matter of fact, a lot of people have swagger like you because you are among 60 million other people that posted that song as their theme song to life. Oh yeah, and your swag is nonexistent. You are crazy for thinking you had any.

5. Shmedium and Mismatched Clothing (basically that '80s/ early 90's garbage)- This is truly not to the designers. I shop heavily on Karmaloop, Dr. Jay's, Bluefly, Giant Peach and RedLemon Store. The designers are on point. See they make the clothes and you put them together. I don't know if you all watched too many M.I.A., The Cool Kids and Santogold videos but you all need to start wearing your sizes and matching your clothes right. I mean I know skinny jeans are whats hot for the ladies...cool...fine and dandy. But fellas, there is a reason you have to sag in order to look halfway decent in your male skinny jeans. The shit is just not cool. I don't want to see your draws and ass. Let me explain what you are doing.Women have purses then they made something the called a "man bag" which wasn't shit but a damn purse. You cats out there rocking clothes like females. At no point and time (unless a dude is rocking a wifebeater for a shirt), should I see your nipples through your t-shirt. I don't care if its freezing outside and you walked out in just your tee. If your clothes had the proper fit I shouldn't see the outline of your nipples. And not only do you wear these little clothing, you "trendsetters" (I'm actually laughing at all of you that call this bullshit fashion) wear the brightest and biggest pair of shoes you can find. You look stupid. 9 times out of ten the shoes are stupid fly. But there is a reason that you feel different and that you think others don't understand how you do your fly. Its because you are dressing like its 1988 and it was 2008, and you look fucking stupid! Get the right sizes, match the colors, and stop making asses of yourselves.

6. Bad Bootleggers- I am not a pirater. I don't buy from bootleggers, hustle-men, or none of those types. So, I can heat all this shit! CDs- first of all most of the "cd men" are aspiring rappers. What type of artist are you if you pirate? Though studies have proven that piracy is a minor reason sales have fallen. That's another subject to venture. Please stop selling cds that are either blank or not the product people want. That's just wrong. Movies- IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SCREENER KICK ROCKS! No one likes your video movie. I hate being in the barbershop watching a wack copy of a movie. Step your game up! Clothes- What happened to the days you couldnt tell if shit was fake (ie Iceberg in 2001 and Coach purses and wallets in 1998)? Now bootleg clothing is obvious (ie Jordans, Red Monkey, Evisu, Prada shoes and NBA coats). Where are you all getting your merch from?! I drive down 63rd and I feel sorry for all those brothers. And the bad part is that they think their shit is real. Just a little anecdote...I was on my way to a studio session. As a friend of mines was getting in the car he began to brag about how he got a deal on Prada shoes and Evisu clothing. He was wearing the clothes and it was obvious they were fake. He was so proud. So my other associate asks him "Is that shit foogazy?!". He replies with a strong "No!". That shit was so fake. He told us he paid $15 per item. Come on now. You get what you pay for! Its the oldest saying in the book. Bootlegg sellers and buyers, please get your minds right!

7. Mass Texting- This New Year I received 33 texts from people I barely speak to. All saying things along the lines of "Happy New Year! I love you and we are going to have a great '09". I don't even know you any fucking more how can you love. Please be kind and just send personal fucking messages. The shit is irritating. I know its so convient to make one message and send it out to multiple people but guess what?! Most of us don't fucking like you! Do not mass text me for New Year (I don't care what you do with your next 365), Valentine's Day (you aren't my fucking valentine), Easter (I am fucking agnostic...come on!), April Fool Day (when I see you I will have a couple of joking words to say), Mother's Day (Not only am I a man...I don't have fucking kids), Memorial Day (my grandfathers weren't alive during the Civil War...who gives a fuck...well if it wasn't for the south kicking the north's ass to the point President Abe had to free our asses to cripple the south, I wouldn't be typing this today...so I guess I should appreciate those that fought), Father's Day (I don't have no damn kids), Independence Day (we still aren't free!), Labor Day (I hate the Labor Day joke forwards...OMG), Halloween (everyone that hits me on this day shall wake up on Nov. 1 with eggs on their vehicles!), Thanksgiving (I hate the forwards), and Christmas (this is not even Jesus' real b-day, I am agnostic, and you didn't get me a gift so I don't give a fuck about your Merry no-gift-giving Christmas ass). And I swear whoever writes my number on those party promoters phone and email listings in the clubs...I am going to gut you and send your insides to Christ Hospital for organ donations (I know most black people aren't organ donors...ignorant negroes say "They gone kill you if you go to the hospital"...that's just nonsense!). I hate seeing Donski, A&O, 3Deep, and all the rest of them scroll across my screen! I don't go to the club so I know it wasn't me!

8. Bogus Bodies- I understand that everyone is not going to have perfect bodies. That's fine! That's real! But don't bitch at me about being fat or needing to workout. I workout...why might you ask? I don't want to end up on Biggest Loser. Take your ass to the gym, get off the birth control...and use rubbers or stop fucking like a jackrabbit, stop eating when you think of food and eat to live, etc. Your fat ass know what you are doing. Don't make losing weight just a New Year's resolution. You always break those, so stop lying to yourself. Just lose weight. Cardinal Fitness is popping up all over. Why? Cause the membership is $20 a month. Less than $1 a day. Kill one of those five pieces (I don't have to say from where or what cause you already know) you eat a day! I hate hearing my mom and dad talk about how in the 60s 70s and 80s everyone valued their bodies. Everyone was active. No video games, cable, chilling in the house if its hot in the summer etc. People moved around and therefore kept pounds off. Women had booties and not a booty-do. Our generation is going to look like garbage by the time we hit 40 and 50. If we can't keep ourselves together when we are young and full of energy then what the hell are we going to do when we get old. Check this out. If you have to do any of the following then #8 applies to you. Ladies if you have to wear a wifebeater, one piece, or some alternative swimwear (anything besides a thin bikini) to feel comfortable at the beach or waterpark. Men if you piss and can't see your dick, when you go out to hoop you are ready to sit down after the first score, if you are having sex and your heart's bpm rises after 2 minutes (yea...that means include that you are a minute-man), and if you sweat profusely while walking around downtown.

Get your minds right!

Courtesy of The Great